An Immigrant’s Diary, part 11

I waved goodbye to my heart and took a train back to the apartment. I’m so glad I wasn’t alone. My friend that stayed with us was there for me. She was so supportive!

I was working an evening shift that day and was glad I had something to do. When I got there I heard our song on the radio, and I broke into tears again. Why do they say it’s better to have loved and lost when it feels impossible to live after you lose.

I worked my shift and was about to go home when the song came up on the radio again. Why are you doing this to me?

I was walking alone to the subway station…Konrad didn’t come to pick me up tonight. In an instant the beautiful, loving, warm and welcoming city turned into a scary, frightening, ugly, cold place that I wanted to get out of as quickly as possible. Tears were falling down my face and I could hardly see where I was walking. I wanted to jump in front of a car or jump off of the roof of that hotel we went to the first day we got to NYC. I didn’t know how I could live without him, I felt like a lost soul without sense of purpose or direction. I could quickly end it right now and all the pain would go away.

“Come on, Lolly, how could you be so selfish. What about your parents? If anything happens to you, especially since you are so far away from home, it will break their hearts. Can you do this to them? Do you want to be the reason for them to feel way worse than you feel now?”

I remembered a quote, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger,” and it became my light at the end of the tunnel.

The days went by, I took as many shifts as I could. I’d go to the Public Library every day to email him but he didn’t respond. I thought he forgot about me. Every night I would cry myself to sleep, but every morning I’d wear a smile. No one should know how I feel. It’s only my business, no one else’s.

Finally I received a response from him! My heart was beating so fast as if it was about to jump out of my chest. Apparently he went to some rural area for work and they didn’t have any internet there. I didn’t quite believe it. I felt like my heart was slowly being replaced by a hard rock. I felt like I’ll never love or believe again.

We started chatting again but it felt like that summer romance, that first love of mine happened many years ago. I felt older now.

2 weeks were gone. It was time for us to go home. My friend and I packed our bags and left this beautiful and lonely city.

Goodbye New York, goodbye America, goodbye my Love. Thank you for all the experiences. I will never forget it…


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